"Is it him Lord?"

Its past 3am and I cant sleep.  This has been my struggle whenever I take my off from work,  sometimes, I just cant sleep at night.  I've already cleaned the entire house, edited and posted the Convergence pictures, edited my friendster profile, uploaded pics, whatelse? I guess I already did everything that I can do to just make me feel exhausted and sleepy. But Im still not tired. Im wide awake.  I'm the only one who's awake right now in the entire neigborhood. Anton is not here, nobody is here with me in this house, no one to talk to except God.. Just me and God.  (nice isnt it?)

So its just me and Him. I know and He knows we've got so much to talk about. I've been telling him a lot of things lately. But I wont write everything here. I will just tell you one of the main topics that I have on my list in my conversations with God. This has been going on for a month now. It started Sept 21, 2007 (to be exact). That was when I've experienced complete freedom and everything... basta read nalang my blogs for September. Days after the 21st, I had a dream. A weird dream with someone on it. Do you still remember that guy/friend in that dream? After that dream, some "not-so-weird things and feelings" followed. But I managed to ignore those which I considered as nothing but distractions. I told God I just want to focus on Him and that Im willing to wait for whatever He has planned for me.

Expect me to struggle with this at times. To be very honest, this guy's face wouldnt seem to disappear from my mind and I really dont like it. Yes, Im waiting and believing for someone, I would want to be engaged na and get married maybe next year or the following year, BUT I dont want to think of a specific person. I have my list of the qualities of the man who I want to spend the rest of my life with, but there's no name on it. It's not that I hate this guy, in fact, I think I am beginning to fall for him, no kidding! ...maybe because I always see him in my thoughts.. weird, right? He's in my heart, I have peace with it, its just that I personally dont want to have him in my heart. My mind says No, not now..  or maybe ,I'm just still scared... I really dont know. I can't explain everything that's going on. God knows that I never asked for this guy from HIM. I know that there could be lots of women who are praying for him to be their life partner. I dont want to compete with them.  Or it could be that he's already considering and praying for someone.  Well, in fairness to him, he seems to have the qualities or the "non-negotiable things" that I've listed down for the kind of man that I've asked from God. But then again, "Why him Lord? Is it really him?" 

Last night in the office, one of my closest friends ( a christian friend) told me that she really needed to tell me what God has told her to do last Saturday night. She couldnt understand it but she said she's just going to obey Him. She said that she just suddenly had the urge  to pray for that guy (same guy in my dream) to be the one for me... its weird cos they really dont know each other. They have met but they're not really friends yet. And then I asked her if she was sure that It was really God who told her to pray for this man to be right one for me.. (sigurista gud ko..hehehe), and if she had any idea why she needed to do that or why would God tell her to do that? She doesnt know the answer but she said she's sure it was from God. I just smiled with a BIG Question Mark in my head and then asked.. "Is it him, Lord?"

Another thing was that last Saturday night, when I had to take care of the Bacolod kids, while waiting for Mary Ann to come back, three of them talked to me (MJ, Aaron & Bonn). We spent the time together, sharing our life stories, thoughts and anything under the sun.  Just out of the blue, one of them mentioned that he just suddenly felt that the man for me is that guy, that friend... that same guy I've been talking about for a month now. I just laughed and asked him what made him say that? He said he doesnt know. It's weird because I never shared a thing about this guy to them. They didnt know about the dream, my thoughts about this guy, how our friendship started, what's in my heart, they didnt know anything at all.. I didnt even give them any clues. And before I left them during that night, they ended it with a prayer. I was so touched and amazed on how they prayed for me. They were so specific with their prayers for me and for Anton and even for that guy. Weird noh? They prayed that my heart will be ready, they prayed for revelations, for clear details or something for me to be certain that he is indeed the right man for me, they prayed for him too, they said his name, they claimed him for me..and also, the funniest part was when they prayed for me to be blessed so that I would be able to go there in Bacolod on November 17. They really want me to go there. heheheh.. so specific! I really cannot explain how these kids came up with such idea and where they got that idea that this guy (that same guy in my dream) is the right one for me. And so again, I asked God, "Is it him?"

I really dont want to assume that it's him until he would tell it straight to my face. I promised that I wont give him a hint of what's in my heart, I will just wait. No first moves, no clues, no text messages, just nothing but prayers.  I already asked God not to leave me on this, para na indi ko magpadala on whats going on which would probably make me or other people feel that its him.. I have to constantly remind myself that It can only be confirmed if I'll hear it from him or if this guy would tell me na God told him na its me for him, di ba?mas better na, mas sigurado..hehehe. I dont want to miss the "surprises" God has for me, I'd rather wait, whoever that right man is. It could be him or someone else. I dont know. But I am confident that God has prepared someone for me.. wala palang sya nagpa kilala na its him. hehehe.. Aside from that, part of me is also scared. Im not a risk taker to this kind of stuff anymore. I dont want to fall for the wrong person. I dont want to have the same mistakes again. I want to be sure this time. I just want God's will in my life.

(*But.. I will still ask God if it's him until I'll see and hear the answers. We'll find it out in time. I'll keep you posted!)